I'm fearless, now hear this, I'm earless

Although nearly worshipping a golden idol seems more old testament than 2011, the Oscars still stand in the way of us Cheeto-loving average joe’s. For two years running, we at the official Chester award headquarters (a damp fort built out of rescued dump-snuggies) have been offering alternative and less biased choices for various academy awards. We almost threw down the towel this year, what with spiking snack-cholesterol and Mickey Rourke-sized senses of age, but after watching the Golden Globes nominate “The Tourist” and have a chubby British host, we knew it was time to dust off the factory-made cheese from the Chester Awards and call for round 3.